MAG.E 5

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@3=============================================================================== THE OFFICAL UNOFFICAL RED DWARF QUOTES FILE v0.9 =============================================================================== @1 #NEEDS_CORRECTION From `Waiting For God': Holly (qouting Capt. H.): "There's a saying amongst the officers; If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer!" #1_1 From `The End': Holly: Well, she [Kochanski] won't be much use to you on Fiji now -- not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with. #1_1 From `The End': Lister: You see, I try and respect Rimmer, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect him and everything, but it's not easy because he's such a smeghead. Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead? Todhunter: Oh, Rimmer, you are a smeghead. #1_1 From `The End': Lister: You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have? #1_1 From `The End': Petersen: Have you seen Rimmer's arm? Chen: No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback! #1_2 From `Future Echoes': Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 -- the same I.Q. of 6000 P.E. teachers. #1_2 From `Future Echoes': Rimmer: If you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which one would you pick? #1_2 From `Future Echoes': Rimmer: It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. #1_3 From `Balance of Power': Cat: Fish! Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal! Cat: Fish! Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal! Cat: Fish! Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal! Cat: Fish! Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal! Cat: Fish! Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal! Cat: Fish! Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal! Cat: I will! #1_5 From `Confidence and Paranoia': Holly: Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement. #1_5 From `Confidence and Paranoia': Confidence: I killed him, cha cha cha. Lister: What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha? #1_5 From `Confidence and Paranoia': Confidence: Oxygen's for losers! #1_5 From `Confidence and Paranoia': Cat: This is mine; that's mine [etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ... except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine! Hey, this has been a good day! I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine! Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can't have sex with something! #1_5 From `Confidence and Paranoia': Lister: Love is what separates us from animals Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals. #1_6 From `Me^2': Lister: Ah, the Pop-Up Karma Sutra, Zero-Gravity Edition! That's mine. #1_6 From `Me^2': Holly: Busy, Dave? Lister: Well, yeah. I am, actually. Holly: Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-lightspeed fighters that are tracking us. Lister: What?! Holly: I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate. Lister: No, Hol, come on, come on. Holly: They're from Earth. Lister: Three million years away? Holly: They're from the NorWEB federation. Lister: What's that? Holly: The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave. Lister: Me? Why? What for? Holly: For your crimes against humanity. Lister: You what! Holly: It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen. Lister: Did I? Holly: You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years? Lister: Yeah. They go all mouldy. Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB. Lister: Why NorWEB? Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds. Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds! You're kidding! Holly: (wearing Groucho Marx disguise) April fool. Lister: But it's not April. Holly: Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jape like that under my belt. #1_6 From `Me^2': (exiting a closet) Cat: He won't find that one -- not until he changes his boots. (sees Lister, hides his face) "Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good look at his face? Could you spot him in a parade?" I don't think so -- that could have been anybody! #2_1 From `Kryten': (returns from getting tea, is told that the crew is dead) Kryten: My god! But I was only away two minutes! #2_1 From `Kryten': Lister: No way are these my boxer shorts -- these bend! #2_1 From `Kryten': Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins; full of marrow-bone jelly! Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk. Lister: Why's that? Holly: No bugger will drink it! #2_1 From `Kryten': Lister: `Mr Arnold' isn't even his name. His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead'; or `Dinosaur breath'; or `Molecule Mind'. And if you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite -- on those rare and exceptional circumstances, you can call him `Arsehole'. #2_1 From `Kryten': Rimmer: You? How did you get into art college? Lister: The normal way you get into art college, the same old usual boring normal way you get in: I failed my exams and applied -- they snapped me up! #2_2 From `Better Than Life': Cat: I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; 'cause I like eating fish! #2_2 From `Better Than Life': Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop, though. Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that lemon meringue pie, man -- what was in that? Rimmer: I thought you liked that -- you brought some back. Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot! #2_2 From `Better Than Life': Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce! #2_2 From `Better Than Life': Cat: My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Man, I just /have/ to eat! Lister: Rimmer's dad has died. Cat: Well, I'd prefer chicken. #2_2 From `Better Than Life': Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to tell you... Rimmer: Yes? Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say... Rimmer: Yes? Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead! Rimmer: What?! This isn't my fantasy! Cat: No -- it's mine. #2_3 From `Thanks for the Memory': Rimmer: How about: breaking your leg hurts like hell, right? `Hel'. They do it beLOW the knee -- lo -- `Hello'; get it? They do it twice -- two -- `Hello to', and the jigsaw must mean `you': `Hello to you'! Cat: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech! #2_3 From `Thanks for the Memory': Holly: Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah! #2_4 From `Stasis Leak': Holly: It's better to have loved and to have lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John. Cat: Why's that? Holly: Anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John. #2_4 From `Stasis Leak': Cat: What is it? Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum. Cat: What is it? Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room. Cat: What is it? Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply. Cat: What is it? Lister: It's a hole back into the past. Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say? #2_4 From `Stasis Leak': Holly: I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81. People said, "No, Holly, she's not for you." She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't load -- well, not for me, anyway. #2_5 From `Queeg': Rimmer: You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican. #2_5 From `Queeg': Lister: Shouldn't this cable go somewhere? Holly: Yes, connect it to the blue cable. --- Lister electrocuted --- Holly: ...or was that the yellow cable? Yes, it should have been the yellow cable. #2_5 From `Queeg': Lister: I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school summer camp trip to the Ganwee. I had the tent next to hers, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird noise. /She/ didn't think men were better than machines. #2_5 From `Queeg': Cat: Look at my hands! I had lovely hands! Lister: Well, wear the smegging gloves! Cat: Marigold with blue? Are you crazy? #2_5 From `Queeg': Lister: Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you, I'm that far from cracking. (goes to squish the pea; it snaps away) I've lost my pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked. Rimmer: He's just doing this to destroy your morale. Lister: Is he? Well, I want my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea. Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor all covered in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is -- it's my pea, I earned it, and I'm going to eat it no matter what! Rimmer: It flew off into your dirty-sock basket. Lister: I'll just have the toast. #2_5 From `Queeg': Cat: If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern emerging: Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to Holly). Holly: (winks back) Thanks, Cat. #2_5 From `Queeg': Holly: We are talking Jape of the Decade. We are talking April, May, June, July, and August, fool. Yes, that's right -- I am Queeg. Rimmer, Lister, Cat: WHAT?!!!!!! #2_6 From `Parallel Universe': Lister: Come on, what are you: a man or a munchkin? Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. #2_6 From `Parallel Universe': Dog: I tell you what: I'm gonna smell your behind, then you can smell mine! Now is that a deal? Cat: You want to smell my WHAT? #2_6 From `Parallel Universe': Lister: That's rich, you know, coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers. #3_1 From `Backwards': "You are a stupid, square-headed, bald git, aren't you, eh? [there is a cut here] I'm pointing at you, yes, I'm pointing at you, but I'm not actually addressing you; I'm addressing the one prat in the country who thought he could get hold of this recording, turn it round, and actually work out the rubbish that I'm saying. What a poor, sad life he's got! [there is a cut here] Frankly, your act's crap, anyway -- anybody could have had it. I hate the lot of you! Bollocks to you!" {NB: Said by the club manager, backwards -- don't look for it} #3_1 From `Backwards': [Lister and Cat rapping] "We didn't come here looking for trouble We just came to do the Red Dwarf Shuffle He's smart..." #3_1 From `Backwards': Cat: Is that what I think it is? Lister: What d'you think it is? Cat: An orange whirly thing in space! #3_2 From `Marooned': Rimmer: But that was a barroom brawl, that was a common pub fight, a shambolic drunken set-to. Lister: ...which you started. Rimmer: I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour; I merely voiced it. Lister: ...to his face -- right to his face...when he was with his four biggest mates. And then you do your roadrunner act and leave /me/ to face the music. Rimmer: Well, I could have got hurt! Lister: You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you? #3_3 From `Polymorph': Rimmer: What about the Rimmer Directive, which states, "Never tangle with anything that's got with more teeth than the entire Osmond family"? #3_3 From `Polymorph': Genny: You know, you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen. Cat: Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it. Genny: Do you know what I'd really like? Cat: Hmm? Genny: I'd really like to make love to a guy like you. Cat: Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere. Let's see, er, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds time? Genny: Nothing I couldn't cancel. (licks teeth) Cat: Hi, I'm the Cat. Genny: Hi, I'm the Genetic Mutant. Cat: Glad to know you ... Genny who? #3_3 From `Polymorph': Lister: Lemon juice? (holds up canister) Cat: What the hell is that? Lister: It's a syringe. Cat: What kind of syringe? Lister: It's for cows -- artificial insemination. #3_3 From `Polymorph': Cat: This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy! #3_5 From `Timeslides': Kryten: We could go to Dallas in November, 1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck!" ... I'm sorry; I must have bypassed my Good Taste Chip. #3_5 From `Timeslides': Lister: The wacked-out crazy hippy drummer is called Dobbin. He joined the police force in the end -- became a Grand Wizard in the Freemasons. The bass is called Gazza. He was a neo-marxist nihilistic anarchist. Eventually he joined a large insurance company and got his own parking space. #3_5 From `Timeslides': Cat: Look at that collar! You could go hang gliding! #3_5 From `Timeslides': Kryten: Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks. #3_5 From `Timeslides': Holly: Ah, got him: `Tension Sheet, inventor of, Dave Lister, aged 17.' Rimmer: Damn! Holly: And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98. Rimmer: 98! Holly: His own fault, apparently -- he was making love to his 14th wife and lost control of the plane. Rimmer: Have you got any photographs? Holly: Not of that, no! #3_5 From `Timeslides': Blaize: Hello, and welcome to `The Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and Famous.' Tonight we will be looking at the world's youngest billionare, Mr. Dave `Tension Sheet' Lister. Behind me, Mr. Lister's English mansion; he had the whole building transported brick by brick from half a mile down the road just to get away from the neighbours. Now that's the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs! The gravel in his drive came from Buckingham Palace. Dave bought Buck Palace and had it ground down just to line his drive. This man has a wad so thick you could use it to beat whales to death. He calls his home `Xanadu' not in reference to the famous movie `Citizen Kane', but as a tribute to the hit single by Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tish. But Dave has musical aspirations of his own. Only last year his first single, `Om', shot to No. 1 when he personally purchased three million copies. You'll never be short of an ashtray in his house. Like many people who appear to have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy. Well, actually it hasn't, but we can only hope. #3_5 From `Timeslides': Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm ALIVE!!!!! (smashes his hands on crates of explosives and is blown to bits) #3_6 From `The Last Day': Rimmer: Kryten, isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning? #3_6 From `The Last Day': Kryten: Damage control report: Dehydration level 45%; Recall of previous evening 2%; Embarrassment factor 91%! Advise repair schedule: Reboot startup disk, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night! #3_6 From `The Last Day': Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone? Cat: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand! #3_6 From `The Last Day': Kryten: No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go? #4_1 From `Camille': Kryten: It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden! #4_1 From `Camille': Kryten: Camille looks like your sister-in-law? What happened? Was she involved in some kind of horrific car accident? Rimmer: Who? Janine? No, of course not -- she was a model! Kryten: And she looked like Camille? Rimmer: Absolutely! The resemblance is uncanny! Kryten: What did she model? Spark plugs? #4_1 From `Camille': Kryten: You'll like them ... well, some of them ... well, one of them ... maybe. #4_1 From `Camille': Kryten: Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska! #4_1 From `Camille': Kryten: Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd! #4_1 From `Camille': Rimmer: He's got mad droid disease. He kept waving a banana in front of me and calling it a female aardvark. #4_1 From `Camille': Kryten: The way the light catches the angles of your head -- most enchanting. #4_1 From `Camille': Kryten: It's the old, old story: Droid meets Droid, Droid becomes Chameleon, Droid loses Chameleon, Chameleon turns into Blob, Droid gets Blob back again, Blob meets Blob, Blob goes off with Blob, and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid. How many times have we seen that story? #4_2 From `D.N.A.': Lister: Any problems? Kryten: Well, just one or two. In fact I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me. Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function. Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom. Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus? Lister: Well, you just move your head closer to the object. Kryten: I see. Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right, okay. Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow motion, Quantel[tm]? Lister: No. We don't have them. Kryten: You don't have them -- just the zoom? Hmm. Well, no, that's fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great. Now then, my nipples don't work. Lister: Er, in what way `don't work'? Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM. Lister: Human nipples don't do that, Kryte. Kryten: I see. Fine. Ah: recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption. Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps falling out. Lister: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging. Kryten: Hmm. Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject -- not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation. Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man. Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolecent sniggering? Lister: Yeah, of course we can. Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid] Well? Lister: `Well' what? Kryten: Well, what do you think? Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say? Kryten: I want to know: is that normal? Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not! Kryten: Well, but is it supposed to look like that? Lister: Well, yeah. Kryten: It's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there, that's it. That's the shape we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look"? Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with one of those stashed in his slacks? Lister: Well, yeah. Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode! Ugh. Now, take a look at this [hands Lister polaroid. Lister rotates it several times, perplexed] and this. [hands Lister second polaroid. Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom. Sudden shock] Now why do you suppose that happened? Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time? Kryten: Well, nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through an electrical-appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay. Lister: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances. Kryten: It /was/ a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag. Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid. Do yourself a favour, man, change back. Kryten: Back? Become one of those poor sappy sad-act mechanoids again? This is my dream. Hey listen, listen, I've got a joke for you. Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Lister: [sadly] I don't know. Kryten: Twelve. And you know why? Lister: [even sadder] Why? Kryten: Because they're so stupid! Uhuhuhuhuh. Isn't that just the greatest joke? Huhuh. I've got another one. Ever heard of the mechanoid peeping-Tom? [Looks repeatedly, like a machine.] Uhuhuhuhuh. [Lister leaves. External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing] [Later] Cat: Man, this is a totally wacked-out idea. It's never going to work. Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything. Why shouldn't it work? The hard part was finding one of my dead cells. Cat: You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff? Rimmer: Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it. That machine has a clone facility. Cat: But a man made from dandruff? It's never going to work. The first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear. Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff -- my body will be recreated from the genetic pattern contained in its structure. [Lister enters] Cat: How's Kryten? Lister: Confused. If he ever offers to show you his photo collection, my advice is: decline, politely. #4_2 From `D.N.A.': (shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken) Cat: The question is: Can we turn him back again? Rimmer: The question is: Do we want to? #4_2 From `D.N.A.': Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic, and you're self-obsessed. Cat: You just listed all my best features! #4_2 From `D.N.A.': (fighting the Mutton Vindaloo Beast) Lister: Of course! Lager -- the only thing that can kill a vindaloo! #4_3 From `Justice': Convict: You have no weapons? Lister: No. You have no weapon? Convict: No. [they advance] Guess what. [pulls out a knife] I lied. Lister: Guess what. [pulls out a length of pipe] So did I. Convict: But I lied ... [pulls out a gun] ... twice. Lister: I didn't think of that. #4_3 From `Justice': Cat: My god! His head burst! #4_4 From `White Hole': (asserting that is isn't drunk) Lister: I am not pished. #4_4 From `White Hole': Talkie Toaster: Given that God is infinite, and that the Universe is also infinite, would you like a toasted tea cake? #4_5 From `Dimension Jump': Mellie: If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup. Ace: Sorry, Mellie -- I don't fraternise with staff. Mellie: I resign. Ace: I'll be there at 1300. #4_5 From `Dimension Jump': Ace: Sorry, Bongo, but lunch is ... on Mellie. #4_5 From `Dimension Jump': Holly: Purple alert! Purple alert! Lister: What's a purple alert? Holly: Well, it's like not as bad as a red a alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert. #4_5 From `Dimension Jump': Ace: Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast. #5_1 From `Holoship': Cat: What? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields? Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: We don't have any defensive shields, and Two: We don't have any defensive shields. Now, I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw, but I thought that it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice. #5_1 From `Holoship': Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here. It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew: three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvagable value. Ah, Felix Sapiens -- bred from the domestic housecat, and about half as smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest. Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest. Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition could, maybe, master simple tasks. Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling could, possibly, be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw. Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram. Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat. (eats cigarette, removes his jacket) Binks: Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed. Enlightment, quickly, please. #5_1 From `Holoship': Rimmer: I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I have ever been forced to endure. I consider it an insult to my backside to have to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush. Kryten: You didn't find it uplifting? ... Cat: Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart. All that stuff about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then it went black and white and I fell asleep. Kryten: But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme! #5_1 From `Holoship': (commenting on his opinion of `King of Kings; The Story of Jesus') Rimmer: Well, its true -- a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like that and /doesn't/ go into show business? #5_1 From `Holoship': Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer! Cat: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back! #5_1 From `Holoship': (about the lack of a Sex Deck on Red Dwarf) Nirvana: Well, what do you do when you want to have sex? Rimmer: We ... go for runs? Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid... #5_1 From `Holoship': Nirvana: It was ... different. Rimmer: Different? Nirvana: You make love like a Japanese meal -- small portions but /so/ many courses. ... Nirvana: We usually talk. Rimmer: What do you talk about? Nirvana: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles... Rimmer: I'm sorry. I must seem very ignorant. I hardly said anything, apart from `Geronimo'. #5_1 From `Holoship': Lister: Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs -- do you really think you'll fit in with them? What am I saying? Bon voyage. #5_1 From `Holoship': Kryten: Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand. Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? #5_1 From `Holoship': (talking to Lister about Rimmer's mind patch) Kryten: You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level to us now. To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic science teachers. #5_1 From `Holoship': Woman: I'd just like to get one thing clear in my mind. This is an opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew ... and the crew is you three. Basically, you spend your time salvaging derelict spaceships, playing poker, and eating curries. Lister: We don't exactly do that much salvaging. Woman: But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries. Kryten: We don't eat curries every night, if that's what you mean. In fact, I distinctly remember a time last June: Mr Lister had a pizza. Lister: That's right. Kryten: Remember? And you didn't like it. But then I poured curry sauce all over it, and he just yummed it up! Woman: And the all-night poker sessions: is it always /strip/ poker? Lister: It all depends on how drunk we are. Cat: Or how much curry he's had. Woman: So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have much interest in horse riding or ballet? Lister: Fine by us -- just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool. Well, of course, there's one or two other people we have to see, but, in theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram, would you accept? Woman: No. No, I think I'm better off where I am. Cat: But you're dead! Woman: And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more. #5_1 From `Holoship': (making his goodbyes) Rimmer: I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ... people I met. #5_1 From `Holoship': Rimmer: Oh, and, sir, you're wrong. We won't be apart -- we just won't be together. [pauses, then cringes] I cannot believe I just said that! #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Kryten: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid -- the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy. The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment. Lister: Yeah, it's the comic-book version. #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Kryten: That is the Inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless. Rimmer: We're in big trouble. #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Rimmer: Why did no-one mention this before? If I had been told about this at the start, that the object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could have done something about it. All those charity telethons when I used ring in and pledge donations -- if I had known all this, I would have given them /my/ credit card number. Kryten: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary worker -- you simply have to seize the gift of life... Rimmer: Oh god. Kryten: ...make a contribution... Rimmer: Oh god. Kryten: ...no matter how small. Rimmer: Oh god. Kryten: You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self serving. Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you! Kryten: I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir. Rimmer: Well, shut up, then! #5_2 From `Inquisitor': NOTE: Inq=Inquisitor Inq: Who is to be first? Rimmer and Cat: Lister. Inq: The hologram. You shall be first. Rimmer: Pardon? Sir? Inq: You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of life. Tell me: what have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune? Rimmer: Well, I say this with the highest respect, but, what gives you the right to ask -- no, actually to demand -- that answer of me, your magnificence? (curtsies and bows) Inq: All must answer to the Inquisitor. Rimmer: But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing? Inq: Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge shall be (lifts visor) yourself. Rimmer: Oh smeg. Inq: Oh smeg indeed, matey. Rimmer: Everyone is judged by their own self? Inq: It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way. Now then, justify yourself. Rimmer: Well, first I-- Inq: Liar! Rimmer: I've done good things. Inq: No you haven't. Rimmer: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things. Inq: No you didn't. Rimmer: Look, in my way I've tried to lead a good life. Inq: When? Rimmer: (pause) Ah! What's that in the corner? It's the Archangel Gabriel! Well, that's me converted. I'm a new man. Hallelujah. Inq: You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a man, aren't you?' Rimmer: Well, sort of, yes. Inq: So then, justify yourself. Rimmer: What else could I have been? My father was a half-crazed military failure. My mother was a bitch-queen from hell. My brothers had all the looks and talent. But what did I have? Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails. Yes, I admit I'm nothing, but, from what I started with, nothing is up. #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Cat: Hi, buddy! Inq: This is your judgment day, bud. I gotta be cruel. There can't be no favours. Cat: I'm hearing you on FM. Inq: I have to ask you the question. Justify your existence. What contribution have you made? Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass. Inq: Well, that's true. Cat: Can I go now? Inq: That's your case? Cat: You need more? Inq: Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument. Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass. Inq: Somtimes you astonish even me. Cat: Thank you. #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Inq: Well, Kryten, justify yourself. Kryten: I'm not sure I can. Inq: But surely your life is replete with good works. There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life. Kryten: But I am programmed to live unselfishly, and therefore any good works I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey. Inq: Well then, how can any mechanical justify himself? Kryten: Perhaps only if he attempted to break his own programming and conduct his own life according to a set of values he arrived at independently. Inq: Your argument invites deletion. Kryten: The rules are yours, not mine. Inq: Do you wish to be erased? Kryten: Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything. I serve. Inq: In a human, this behaviour might be considered stubborn. Kryten: But I am not human, and neither are you. And it is not our place to judge them. I wonder why you do. Inq: (Closes visor) Enough. #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Inq: (opens visor) Well, get out of this one, smeghead. Lister: What are you talking about? Inq: You know what you could have made of your life if you'd tried. What you could've become. Lister: So? Inq: You've got brains, man -- brains you've never used. Lister: So? Inq: So, justify yourself. Lister: Spin on it. Inq: (closes visor) The Inquisition is over. I have reached my verdict. Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have been. You have lived without merit, so will not have lived at all. [Rimmer and Cat disappear] Lister: You scum! You've wiped them out! Kryten: Sir... Lister: He's crazy, Kryten. He's erased the Cat and Rimmer! Inq: They are quite safe. Kryten: Sir, I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased. Lister: Ah. #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Lister: Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it. Kryten: No plan, sir -- no sleeves. #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Lister: We used to be your shipmates. Rimmer: Only ... we've forgotten you. Lister: Yeah. Rimmer: [to Cat] Well, I don't know about you, but I'm convinced. #5_2 From `Inquisitor': (proving that he knows Rimmer) Lister: You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard, and four people committed suicide! #5_2 From `Inquisitor': (distracting the Inquisitor) Kryten: Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second? #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Lister: Nyah! It's the old backfiring-time-gauntlet trick. #5_2 From `Inquisitor': Kryten: You are a sick, sick person! If mechanoids could barf, I'd be on to my fifth bag by now. #5_3 From `Terrorform': "Kryten personal blackbox recording. Time: unknown. Location: unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Should someone find this recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here. My short-term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented." #5_3 From `Terrorform': Cat: This sounds like a twelve-change-of-underwear trip! #5_3 From `Terrorform': (lines like `> this' are typed -- spelling errors sic) Lister: > Help. Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula. Cat: You're playing that dumb adventure game! Lister: > It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest. Cat: Well, buy a potion from Gandalf the Master Wizard -- that's what I usually do. Lister: > I'm SERIOUS. Cat: (looks down, sees it, then begins typing too) > It has an eye the size of a meatball. Lister: > Kill it. Cat: > How? Lister: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me. Cat: > I'm scared Lister: > YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel? Cat: > You haven't SEEN it! Lister: > The lower half of my body has gone numb. Cat: > That's probably for the best. Lister: > It's moving. Oh *$%^**!!!! Hand: > Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow. #5_3 From `Terrorform': Kryten: Sir, a couple of brief points: firstly, you're not a qualified service engineer, and, consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee; secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open. #5_3 From `Terrorform': Rimmer: Look, I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, but I demand my right to a phone call. Yes, I thought that would stop you. I thought the threat of legal action would have you running for cover. ... [later, he is tied to a stake] Rimmer: Is this the British embassy? Does it even look the remotest bit like the British embassy? I want to know who you are, what I'm doing here and I want to know now. Priest: In accordance with the appetites of The Dark One, volitious ruler of this domain, we, the holy legions, proffer up this sacrifice to slake the vile, depraved thirstings of The Unspeakable One. Rimmer: Well, that's cleared that up. [the legions leave, and two women arrive] Thank God. Thank God. There were some very very strange men running around in black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes, but thank God you're here. You know, I actually thought I was in the most awful danger? [the women rip off his robes] Is it me, or has it suddenly got rather hot in here? ... [later, the women are oiling him] Rimmer: I am a 2nd Technician in the Space Corps, I am briefed to give you my name and number and nothing more. I don't know who you people are or what you think you're playing at, but I'm not going to give you any- thing else. You can oil me all you like, you can use your tongues and your full sensual lips to caress my erogenous zones onto a plateau of sexual ecstasy, but I'll tell you now: this nut's not for cracking. [the women oil his nipples] However, far be it from me to change your game plan, if you absolutely insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, then so be it -- just have a large quatro-formaggio pizza with extra olives ready at the end. [the women begin to go up to a small balcony] Er, where are you going? What are you doing? My god, are you going to take a flying leap? Woman1: We are going to summon the master. Rimmer: The master? Woman2: You have been prepared for him. Rimmer: This master character -- and I acknowledge I may not want to know the full answer to this one -- but why does he want me oiling particulary? Obviously whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes? Woman1: He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity. Rimmer: Not the best news, but it could have been worse. #5_3 From `Terrorform': Lister: Is it me, or are those frogs saying `useless'? Frogs: Useless, useless, Rimmer, you're useless. Cat: Hey, look at this! You've got a huge great blood-sucking leech on your neck. (rips it off) It's got a human face! Lister: It's Rimmer's mum! #5_4 From `Quarantine': Mr Flibble: Game over, boys! #5_4 From `Quarantine': Kryten: Frankenstein was the creator -- not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people. #5_4 From `Quarantine': Lister: Why do we never meet anyone nice? Cat: Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight? #5_4 From `Quarantine': Rimmer: So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane? #5_5 From `Demons and Angels': Lister: You guys have got to be yanking my chain! #5_5 From `Demons and Angels': Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is not a daffodil! Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected. #5_5 From `Demons and Angels': Holly: The phrase `cargo bay doors' does not appear to be in my lexicon. #5_6 From `Back to Reality': Cat: Don't fish swim south for the winter? Kryten: That's birds, sir. Cat: Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe? #5_6 From `Back to Reality': Lister: Why would a haddock kill itself? Why am I even asking that question? #5_6 From `Back to Reality': Cat: Hang five, guys -- I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he committed suicide, he committed suicide, and the fish committed suicide. There's some kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it. #5_6 From `Back to Reality': Kryten: Some kind of sea creature -- a life form we have never encountered before -- attacked this ship. Its defence mechanism is a curious one. It secretes a venom -- a poison, possibly even an hallucinogenic -- which disfunctions its prey by inducing despair. Now, that's why the crewmembers, and even that fish, had committed suicide. Unfortunately, we have been contaminated. It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find that we do experience (bursts into tears) moments of despair and anguish. Rimmer: (talking to them over the radio) What about Lister and the Cat? Lister: I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. It's true, I don't think anyone has ever truly loved me in my entire life. There's nothing new about that. Cat: What is it with you guys? This has gotten like Saturday Night at the Wailing Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong one? (crying) I mean, you guys just fall apart. #5_6 From `Back to Reality': Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's going to take any crap from whoever you are. So, before you start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm kind of guy who gets all uptight being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are, CLEAR? ... Kryten: "Jake Bullet: Cybernautic Detective." I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those penpushers up at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon!" Rimmer: On the other hand `Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is in charge of traffic control, and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name. ... Kryten: (holding out his badge) Bullet. Cybernautics. Cop: That's traffic control. #5_6 From `Back to Reality': Rimmer: Billy Doyle. Well, that's a name that comes from the wrong side of the the tracks, isn't it? You can see it all now: a youth spent in and out of corrective institutions; a string of illegitimate children; the wife will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs; has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for maintenance; before he knows it, he's standing in a bank with a sawn-off shotgun; somehow, it goes off; an old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobble hat; all he can do is hide, but where?; and then it hits him -- with his ill-gotten gains he can buy four years in a computer game and wait until the heat is off. And so ends the Ballad of Billy `Granny-Killer' Doyle. Lister: It's yours. Rimmer: What?! Lister: It's yours, `Bill'. Rimmer: No. Lister: Check the ugly mug on the ID then, man. Rimmer: `William Doyle'... `William Doyle'! Good old Bill Doyle. That sounds like a hell of a good name to me -- probably connected to the Boston Doyles, old money, blue-chip stock... You know, I think it's all starting to come back to me now. Lister: What puzzles me slightly is what a man of such undoubted good breeding would be doing wearing a coat that smells like an elderly male yak has taken a leak in both the pockets. Rimmer: Well, isn't it obvious? Kryten: No, it isn't. Rimmer: OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine. #5_6 From `Back to Reality': Rimmer: This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. I'm a piece of flotsam, jetsam human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a yak latrine, and now my best flashing mac is about to be splattered with an android's brain. I'm after you with the gun. #alt.tv.red-dwarf NOT from RD but from alt.tv.red-dwarf: @2==============================================================================